I don't really have a reason to be up at the moment. I cannot justify any reason as to why I've laid awake the past like five days, except that perhaps college is coming up, I have a lot to do, and I don't have a lot of time to do it anymore.

I think the reason I'm writing this at all is because of my novel. The Privileged is now over 450 pages, and I have no cognitive way of knowing when exactly it will be finished, or how exactly it got to be so massive. My characters have taken over - they write themselves, they invade my dreams, they inspire my voice, they describe my piano sonatas, and they influence the way I think about things now. I never thought that writing a book would be so emotionally draining.

Truthfully, this book began as a bit of a rant/revenge for all the unmentionable expletives of young women who made my life hell for five years. But as I continued writing it, I realized that these women were unequivocally strong, in a way that I am, and in ways that I never am. They're beautiful, independent spirits of myself. They have their flaws, and they have their weaknesses, and they hate each other a lot, but they get through it...for the most part.

So firstly, there's Bridgette Sage, who was truly inspired by a real young woman who terrorized my dreams (that sounds really cheesy, I know, but it's true). As I wrote about her, there were so many things about her character that were deeper than anything I had ever imagined. She loves in the way that most people only dream; she does not care about what others think of her love and passion for the man she adores. It is a kind of strength that is hardly found in this world, and that I, an 18-year-old who has never fallen in love, could write about it, is beyond me. Bridgette has no faith in herself. She hates herself, much like I do. But someone loves her, and it makes her world shine. It is extraordinary to read of her - her vengeance, her mistakes, her whorish qualities...but then again, it makes you think - could I ever have such incredible love that spills out from all directions of my soul?

Bridgette's "foil" of sorts is Maria Dorset, with whom she has been enemies for eons. Maria is weak where Bridgette is not; while she has the "perfect" relationship with the man of her dreams, she cannot love half as passionately as Miss Sage can. She seems one-dimensional, and while it's true she's brilliant, talented, and gorgeous, love is absent from her life. She does everything she can to ruin Bridgette's perfect relationship, because she is completely covetous of it. In part, this is me. I feel the capacity to love. I love people, I love God, I love the earth, despite all of humankind's mistakes. But I sometimes forget to follow through. I have never had a relationship - period, end of discussion. But I know that when I finally do, that person better watch out - because chances are, I will love them with everything I've got. There's no other way to describe it.

Then there's Christine Chairès. In part, Christine is all of my best friends put together. She's an intellectual like Deborah, she's a shoulder to cry on like Mollie, and she's a better sibling than her brother deserves like the "real" Christine. Unlike the other two characters I mentioned, Christine clings to her values like no other. She has a good head on her shoulders that can pull her out of nearly any situation - whether it be regarding lust, devotion, betrayal, and mystery. She knows who she is, and she is comfortable in her own skin. This is the person I *want* to be. It's hard because, despite what people see, I really have no idea who I am, and I don't like who I've been. I'm always confused, and I try to do the right thing, but a lot of times, I fail. Most of the time, I trip over myself in the process, and lose a part of me that matters.

The last of the four main characters is Carolina Higgins, who, unexpectedly, managed and mutated into PURE KATIE. She should have a flashing light on the top of her head that says, "I'M REALLY THE AUTHOR IN DISGUISE!!" Carolina is sarcastic, confused, clueless about love (so much so that it's almost embarrassing), beautiful in the way that most girls aren't (this I always saw as a bad thing, but I'm coming to accept it about myself), sees the world through a different perspective, and loves music almost more than anything else in the world. When Sir James O'Neill stumbles onto her path, love isn't even on her radar - it's the last thing on her mind. She watched her father destroy her mother's love for him, and she doesn't want to go through that. So James learns to love her first, and in truth, when she realizes who she is, she loves herself for it, too. I am like Carolina in that I need a person like that fictional Irish knight to give me a push in the right direction; to open my eyes, help me understand myself, and find myself. It might sound stupid, but I *need* a man like that. I pray for him all the time. I know he's out there. I just...have to accept that he might not come at the most convenient time for me.

Back to the actual novel...heh.

People say that I talk about The Privileged as though it isn't mine; like I had NOTHING to do with the writing process. "It's yours," are words I have heard over and over. But you want to know the truth? That 450 page SOMETHING that sits in my computer belongs to my characters. Are the characters like me? Yes. But they're like you, too. When the rest of their stories write themselves out in...oh I don't know, a month maybe, or two months, and all is over, I'll edit things and change minute details around. After that, after I'm sure I have recorded their accounts accurately, I have decided that I am going to fight for Bridgette, Maria, Christine, and Carolina like...I don't even have a synonym to describe how hard I'm going to fight for them. It isn't about me being published anymore. Not about my name or my love for writing, or whatever. It's my characters. I feel like, wherever their stories came from, if they ever existed...they just need to be HEARD. Their narratives are real, relatable, emotional, and passionate. That's something that doesn't exist too often in modern writing anymore.

I don't care how long it takes. If I'm 50, and The Privileged still isn't published, you better believe I will still be assaulting the most random publishing company on the face of the planet, if it's necessary. The characters move me. I know they can move other people, too.

Last week, I wrote a really difficult scene. I started crying. It was the second time I've cried in the novel. I have NO idea why I've cried twice. Just have. And that's what a human story can do to you.